ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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