My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
