The maid of honor just puked.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize