I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
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