I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
