i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize