Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Randomize
