i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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