The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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