Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
