I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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