I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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