They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
