In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Randomize
