he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
