am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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