I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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