Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
