just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
