Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
