Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
