Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
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