don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
