I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Randomize