OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
