I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
