I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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