Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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