Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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