im having a threesome with these popsicles
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
