Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
