Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
