Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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