remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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