hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
why do cheetos always look like penises
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
