Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
