i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
