I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
ttyl tear gas
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
