i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
