a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize