I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
