I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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