One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
