soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
