I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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