I think my fart just growled at me.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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