If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
