I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
