So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
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