My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
