i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
