i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
