we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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