$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
