he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize