Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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