walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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