I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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