It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
