You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize