I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
