She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
