two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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