I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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