New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
