that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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