she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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